The Cultish Nature of Dysfunctional Families

This student author asked to remain anonymous.

Define family. In the late 70s, Salvador Minuchin and H. Charles Fishman proposed a new take on what creates a strong family. Boundaries, rules, roles. Any healthy family dynamic must have a good balance in each of these components. These three factors happen to also be commonly targeted by cults for the opposite intended outcome. While a good blend of boundaries, rules, and roles in a relationship creates trust and independence, an unhealthy blend of each result in distrust and hyper dependency. Manipulation of boundaries, rules, and roles is how cult leaders build such a loyal army and happens to be the connection between cultish groups and dysfunctional families.

Boundaries

In an unstable household, boundaries are nonexistent. In these households “what’s mine is yours” is taken to an exploitative level and any sign of individuality quickly evaporates — leaving no room for trust inside the walls of the home. Everything that is yours becomes theirs. Your phone, your room, your freedom. Any ask for privacy is condemned because in toxic households, privacy equals secrecy. A child’s innocent plea for a bit of space is viewed as through they are hiding something. Suspicion rises and so do tensions. Trust between family members decreases, and with no walls put up for a child to protect themself, they begin to lose sight of themselves and instead become a part of one large operation. A lack of boundaries blurs the line between love and control.

Rules

On the contrary, the number of rules in a toxic household is endless. In a dysfunctional home, what is wrong and what is right is painted as a black and white issue. There is no ability to work through problems. There are just rules to decide who is in the wrong and who is in the right. There lies high expectations with low levels of grace which discourages children to evolve into their own individual out of the fear of being blacklisted from the home. Without being able to discover themselves, the only definition they can look towards is being a member of the family. There is no real sense of purpose because the strict rules set in place are intended to inhibit any personal growth within the family, as change is viewed as destructive and leads to arguments. Rules only allow space for controlled thought, leaving no room for a child’s feelings to be validated.

Roles

In modern day America, roles within a family are much less than they once were. But within certain families, the emphasis on members’ roles is still vigorous. With the little boundaries and excessive rules, a child’s life consists of being part of a family and feeling constant fear because of it. You are given a role in the family and the strict rules that are put in place make it impossible for a person to stray away from this role if they please. They would be letting down their family, being painted as a villain. The harsh roles restrict any adaptability within the family dynamics and further restrains any personal growth. Like cultish groups, in a dysfunctional family, suppression is far greater than toleration.

The compatibility of boundaries, rules, and roles ultimately alienates an individual from both inside and outside their home. There grows a strong imbalance between adults and children which organizes itself more into a dictatorship rather than a loving family. A child will constantly be coerced into reassuring their unstable parental figure, constantly fighting a losing battle. By them asking for more privacy, their parents interpret the request as a sign they are losing grip on their child. A child will constantly feel like they are walking on eggshells because there is a strong sense of what is right and what is wrong and how a person fulfills or does not fulfill these strict rules determines whether they are good or bad. A child will feel obliged to help their family out even if that means they are hurting themselves in the process. All these things take away from their evolution as a person and individual. Every action they take is for the approval of their parent, which will result in them feeling their purpose is to serve the family because any involvement outside of the family is seen as a step in a selfish direction. In an unstable home, every action a child takes is for their parent. Their lack of independence translates to no trust within themselves to make decisions, which creates hyper dependency. And when you cannot trust yourself, you look towards others for help. But in these homes, there is no support. Instead, these people are closely watching you for any misstep so they can then prey on your faults out of the fear of instability. A child in a dysfunctional home loses any grasp on individuality, critical thinking, and autonomy. They are left viewing themselves as merely a shell of a person.

If you are experiencing abuse in your home or domestic violence, you can reach the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 800-422-4453 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

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Edited by Laura Sheikh