Our Music Tastes Over an Open Fire: The Tribune Team Roasts Each Other’s Spotify Wrappeds
by your 2024-2025 editors
Caty’s Wrapped — Roasted by Mara
CHILDRESS’ STATS
Total listening time: 44, 371 minutes
Number of songs played: 1, 432
Top 5 songs:
The Foundations of Decay, My Chemical Romance
Call Your Mom, Noah Kahan and Lizzy McAlpine
DESTROYA, My Chemical Romance
It’s Called: Freefall, Rainbow Kitten Surprise
Disenchanted, My Chemical Romance
Top 5 artists:
My Chemical Romance (0.05% fan, 9,598 minutes listened, 39 day streak)
Hozier
Noah Kahan
Chappell Roan
Paris Paloma
Let’s just start with the 44, 371 minutes of listening this year. That is 30. 8 days of nonstop music. You terrify me.
Now, into your top songs. Of course 3 are MCR — my dear, at this point I’m convinced over half of your cells are simply made up of the notes within MCR discography, and while to me their music sounds like someone stuck sounds inside a blender and turned it on, I do admire your commitment. I’ve no qualms with your #4 top song: It’s Called: Freefall is an absolute vibe and everyone should listen to it.
Indeed, Spotify roasted you better than I ever could have by calling you out on your October Mallgoth Rock-Ish Emo phase.
A 39 DAY MCR LISTENING STREAK. If Ferris was as committed to their spirit as you are to MCR, they might have had a chance at Chuck this year, but alas.
Since apparently I’m doing the math for this, your MCR listening time accounts to 6.66 days worth of pure alternative emo rock blasting into your eardrums — and I don’t think that number is a mistake. The truly alarming thing is that Spotify isn’t counting the hours that you listen to MCR on your tiny portable Walkman and six-track car CD player. I fear this devil’s number is only the tip of the iceberg of when it comes to your Gerard Way obsession.
Really though, I can only tease your for the absurd amount of MCR in this roast: Chappell Roan and Hozier are above criticism, and, though Noah Kahan was a folksy surprise, I won’t fault you for a flannel moment.
M. Bech
Laura’s Wrapped - Roasted by Caty
SHEIKH’S STATS
Total listening time: 32, 743 minutes
Number of songs played: 2, 587
Top 5 songs:
Little Lion Man, Mumford & Sons
Glue Myself Shut, Noah Kahan
The Cave, Mumford & Sons
Young Blood, Noah Kahan
Oklahoma Smokeshow, Zach Bryan
Top 5 artists:
Noah Kahan (0.5% fan, 3,533 minutes listened, 7 day streak)
Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
Zach Bryan
Tom Rosenthal
George Ezra
Here at the Tiger Tribune, we pride ourselves on the fact that we are an entirely student operated entity. We have an editor-in-chief, an arts director, and a host of editors with different backgrounds working together to bring stories to light. Six of us are proud tigers, and our seventh board member, Laura, well, she might’ve been a little confused as to which big cat represents us, judging by her Spotify Wrapped, which has “Little Lion Man” by Mumford & Sons at number one, with 89 streams this year. Let’s just say, her boldness stands alone among the editors for that one.
Now you may be asking, “Is that really all there is to say? One folk rock song?”, to which I say “No, and I Kahan’t stop at just her top song”. Speaking of, Noah Kahan was her top artist. Are we really surprised though? According to Spotify, she started the year with a January characterized by her wanderlust acoustic pop indie folk era, and certainly didn’t stop as the year went along. I wonder how many of her 32,743 listening minutes were spent out at Manito pretending to be in the woods. Maybe next year Hozier can take her out on a scenic journey because in this mess of acoustic guitars, the only thing that was missing was the sweet sound of “Cherry Wine”.
C. Childress
Theo’s Wrapped - Roasted by Claire
O’HARRA’S STATS
Total listening time: 14, 322 minutes
Number of songs played: 2, 252 this year
Top 5 songs:
Orpheus, Sara Bareilles
Walk With You, Michael & Michelle
Capricorn, Vampire Weekend
The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades is Out to Get Us!, Sufjan Stevens
Ragged Wood, Fleet Foxes
Top 5 artists:
Fleet Foxes (0.5% fan, 874 minutes listened, 4 day streak)
Chill Select
Vampire Weekend
girl in red
The Magnetic Fields
Theo: You had us until Chill Select, among your top artists.
It’s not all bad: your top song, Sara Bareilles's Orpheus, should give readers some new listening material. Highly recommend... but being in the top .05% of the song’s listeners is hardly something to brag about.
This verse, from Sufjan Stevens’ (mouthful) ballad The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out to Get Us!, in particular - Oh, how I meant to tease him/Oh, how I meant no harm/Touching his back with my hand, I kiss him/I see the wasp on the length of my arm ? It leaves the dear readers asking – Theo, who hurt you?
Yet, as fellow students, we all must appreciate and relate to your May – your ‘Chill Lo-Fi Beats’ era. Respect it. Were you working? Cleaning? Cramming in an AP-test induced mania? Who knows – but we can all relate.
At least, we can all relate until we see your top artists: Fleet Foxes at number one, ok. Vampire Weekend, sitting at number three, is one we may poke fun at - though, ultimately, we all occasionally jam out to their 2008 hit A-Punk. But - Chill Select as your number two? A company whose Spotify bio describes themselves as, “A real fam vibe [...] making the most luscious Vibey beats possible” ? Theo, with the most respect, no. These writers would rather see the cast of the hit 1969 Broadway show 1776, than Chill Select.
Well, at least your top artist isn’t Kanye.
C. Lyle
Marton’s Wrapped - Roasted by Laura
MEZEI’S STATS
Total listening time: 64, 276 minutes
Number of songs played: 3, 136
Top 5 songs:
A Cold Sunday, Lil Yachty (122 streams)
Foreign, Playboi Carti
BURN, ¥$, Kanye West, Ty Dolla $ign
It Could Happen To You, Ryo Fukui
I Want To Talk About You, Ryo Fukui
Top 5 artists:
Kanye West (0.05% fan, 11,154 minutes listened, 38 day streak)
Playboi Carti
Travis Scott
Drake
Ryo Fukui
Dang dude. Cold Sunday, by Lil Yachty was your most listened to song. As an editor of the Tiger Tribune, I am very disappointed in you. If you don’t listen to grammatically correct artists, (playBOI Carti) how can we expect your articles to be grammatically correct?
ALSO, a 0.05 percent top Kanye fan. Are you kidding me? That means you beat out 99.95 PERCENT of his other Spotify listeners, you’re down bad FRFR for that.
My burning question is: How on Earth did you manage to go from “Vampire Shonen Rap” in March to “Vintage Hollywood Slow Dance Jazz” this November? Maybe you’re slowly coming away from the dark side… but on the other hand, I think the 0.05 speaks for itself.
Your most listened to song by the aforementioned “artist” was BURN, in all caps, because that’s what your brain is now, Marton.
Burned, scarred, cooked, utterly ROASTED.
“They was tryin' for clout, I was dyin' of gout,” are some of the lyrics in that piece of work they call music. (Those were the only lyrics I could put in that didn’t break school policy.) Do you relate to those words Marton? I get the clout, but no one told me you had gout. Well, I guess I’ve just “g-outed” you now.
L. Sheikh
Mara’s Wrapped - Roasted by Theo
BECH’S STATS
Total listening time: 19, 827 minutes
Number of songs played: 1, 369
Top 5 songs:
Good Luck, Babe!, Chappell Roan (35 streams)
Pretty Girls, Reneé Rapp
Talk Too Much, Reneé Rapp
Red Wine Supernova, Chappell Roan
Trouble, Ray LaMontagne
Top 5 artists:
Chappell Roan (2% fan, 1,266 minutes listened, 9 day streak)
Florence + The Machine
The Last Dinner Party
Indigo Girls
Hozier
I have to be honest, I cannot personally dislike Miss Mara Bech’s musical taste—but I am a connoisseur of making fun of it. Indie pop is far less “indie” as the name implies nowadays, sometimes to the chagrin of those artists' loyal fans. Chappell Roan blew up in a matter of months and became one of the most famous and most listened to pop stars of today, which makes perfect sense when you consider how many people relate to being so full of emotion and having no clue what to do about it—it's like an indie film where either everyone yells or is pensively quiet, and either way you feel like you should be crying. But fret not, because what is Musical Theatre but not to brighten your lives? Reneé Rapp isn’t such a “mean girl” anymore with her own discography however. But she slots in nicely with Chappell Roan in what Spotify dubbed “Pink Pilates Princess Strut Pop.” By simply googling this phrase, I was bombarded by a multitude of ads all inviting me to take an “Are You Gay Quiz?” Now, I personally love strutting down a catwalk in outfits a peacock would be envious of, and the likes of “Pink Pilates Princess(es)” do too, but I can’t relate to ever feeling the need to listen to the backing track of the creation of the world’s most terrifying weapon, and so off to Sweden I must travel to listen to Ludwig Göransson’s Oppenheimer soundtrack as you did in your Atmospheric Instrumental Soundtrack November. Don’t ask me why, maybe atomic blasts lull you to sleep, as does any story about a man who hath “become death, the destroyer of worlds.”
In the end, I cannot tease too much, as nothing Miss Bech listens to is anything but quite nice, if not a little gloomy in my opinion. So to you Mara, please follow your dreams of being a sad girl running through a field of wildflowers, you were born for it.
T. O’Harra
Claire’s Wrapped — Roasted by Marton
LYLE’S STATS
Total listening time: 28, 259 minutes
Number of songs played: 1, 962
Top 5 songs:
Everything, Everywhere, Noah Kahan
New Perspective, Noah Kahan
All My Love, Noah Kahan
Come Over, Noah Kahan
Seventeen Going Under, Sam Fender
Number of artists listened to: 1, 139
Top 5 artists:
Noah Kahan (0.5% fan, 5, 050 minutes listened, 15 day streak)
Zach Bryan
Luke Combs
Kris Bowers
John Denver
Last year, Claire Lyle listened to 20 straight days of pickup trucks, cowboy hats, and intoxicated heartbreak—and much of it before she even heard about our rubber chicken theme. Despite this, however, she was only in the top 13 percent of listeners. I guess there's only so much of those recycled topics anyone can take. Interestingly, Claire's most-listened day was March fourth, also recognized by nationaldaycalendar.com as "National Grammar Day". It makes sense, since we all know country listeners ain't not the worst at the grammer. Moving onto her top songs, though, would let us imply that she has a wide range of taste, especially since her top song is Noah Kahan's "Everywhere, Everything." But in fact, her taste is quite the opposite, with Kahan's songs taking up the top 4/5 spots in her list of favorite songs. Claire started off her year strong with the Spotify-named "Wanderlust Acoustic Pop Indie Folk," almost immediately followed by "Wild West Slow Dance Country" around AP season. Don't be fooled, though, as Spotify appears to have insisted to give everyone three categories: they were forced to just find synonyms for Claire here as her taste remained one dimensional. Her top artists reflect that: Noah Kahan (surprise!), Zack Bryan, Luke Combs, and the aptly country-named (literally) John Denver, all fall within her top 5 artists. I'd go crazy. Noah Kahan agrees. he said at the final thank you, "if you're listening to this message it's because you went through something traumatic this year and decided to start listening to my music. I really appreciate it, and wanted to say sorry for whatever it is you're going through." He almost makes this too easy. To continue, he said, "If you're an emotionally stable person and you're listening, I would consider listening to something else." And to end the roast I say Claire, I think you're an emotionally stable person, so please take his advice and find something else to listen to.
M. Mezei
Editor’s Note: As the kindest person on the editorial team, Sofia Hessler declined to roast or be roasted.
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Edited by Mara Bech
